Everything Has Changed and Yet Nothing Has Changed at All...

The last few weeks have been hell of a roller coaster to say the very least.  Basically a microcosm of my life in just a few weeks.  The photo above was taken mere moments after my first sub 4 minute mile, I was elated but that look is full of so many emotions; I can see my thoughts in that picture, the gravity of the situation still not having set in.  On Friday, August 7th 2015, I finally became a Sub 4 Minute Miler by finishing 5th in a time of 3:59.67 at the Sir Walter Miler in Raleigh, NC.  I can now say looking back that Friday night August 7th, 2015 was one of the best nights of my entire life.  Not only did I break 4 minutes after all the struggles my life has held, but I got to do it in front of my parents, girlfriend, and so many friends.  For those few hours that night I was on cloud 9!  All the miles, the struggles, the highs, the depression, and the anxiety was worth it.  The next few days were absolutely overwhelming with the out pour of messages and feedback from social media, emails, texts, phone calls, high fives and congratulations.  All this lead to such a feeling of triumph that I hadn't experienced in my life yet.  That night I finally felt like everything had changed.  I thought my moment was here and it was here to stay.  I felt lighter and more confident than I ever remember feeling, the this picture below says it all!

Fast forward nearly 3 weeks now and not much in my life has really changed.  I guess that's just the hangover after every big party.  Nothing I have done to this point in my life really prepared me for that hangover feeling from such a high.  The high and dreams I had felt so tangible and I know things had changed. So what hasn't changed?  I am still sitting at the same 40 hour a week job, I'm still broke and can barely afford travel to races, I still have trouble even getting into a lot of races, and I still don't have one single company that seems to get the big picture that I envision and live.  Maybe I was delusional, but I thought for sure with my story, my personality, and now my time to go with that lethal combo, that sponsors would finally see some value in me as an athlete.  From my side of the story I feel like no one can see the vision I and so many others seem to see.  I've been getting the same response from companies that I have for years now, which I titled the ole pat on the back email.  My response back from nearly every company that has been contacted has read something like this, "Congratulations on your Sub 4!  Your results are impressive and your story is inspiring.  Unfortunately our roster and budget full at this time.  We would love for you to keep in contact with us for the future."  It's, good job out there pat on the back parents give their kids when they are playing youth league sports and aren't quite good enough to keep up with their peers.  I have been getting some version of this email from companies in the running world for 4 years since Saucony dropped me in 2012 from a gear only sponsorship (while I was of course suffering from a relapse with Wegener's, #findyourstrong right?).  It used to make me angry and bitter.  Now though it makes me question if companies really have any foresight outside of a number.

As I have often professed I have reached the point where I am often one of the only if not the only person in the race with a full time job, much less the 2 that I have to work to afford all my bills (yes I still have medical bills and health bills to pay, drugs aren't cheap).  I work my Resort job to pay my bills and personal train & coach to pay for my travel.  I know that this takes its toll on my body at times and my training suffers.  Just one week to the day after my first sub 4, I had to skip a pm run after work because of how late I got off that night.  Those pm runs, especially after workouts, are so crucial to fitness and aerobic metabolism, that it drives me insane knowing that all my competition was able to go out for their runs that day.  Being a control freak like I am, this drives me absolutely insane.  Knowing that I am not doing everything that I need to in order to be successful at the Professional Track and Field level, literally keeps me awake at night.

Now that Runner's World and Let'srun.com ( the guru's of everything track and field) has picked up on my story, I thought it would help my case.  But while the shoe world isn't paying attention, certainly the Vasculitis community has taken notice.  Not only has the Lauren Currie Twilight Foundation (I run with their logo on my jersey) shared my story, but so has the Vasculitis Foundation, which is the largest foundation for all forms of Vasculitis not just Wegener's.  The out pour of messages. emails, and Facebook notifications has been overwhelming to deal with once they shared the story with their followers.  According to one source inside the Vasculitis Foundation, my story has been shared over 4,000 times.  Now both want to not just do interviews but have me involved with a documentary and more to help inspire people with all forms of Vasculitis to not let the diseases control their lives.  While I may have struck out with the shoe companies, I seem to have hit a home run with a community that as just as dear to my heart! So I'm classic BHudg fashion I'm gonna find a way to keep chasing my dream and finding a way to inspire others in all walks of life.

All Hope is Gone! 

BHudg